Got To Get Myself Together
People have been asking me how I’m feeling now that my book is officially out. I typically smile and say how exciting it is, or I joke about how tired I am. But the other day when a fellow debut author asked, my response was: “Do you want the honest answer?” She did. And so I heard myself saying, “Well, I’m, um, a little depressed, actually.”
Confessing was a relief. Turns out she understood and is wrestling with similar feelings. I once heard someone compare a post-book launch to postpartum and it’s an apt metaphor. I mean, both a book and a baby involve gestation periods, then births.
Taking it further: Post- book or baby, there’s a rush of excitement. Your heart feels things it’s never felt before. So much love and gratitude! But there’s also a bit of a loss, if we’re honest. You lose your simpler life, the one before the book or baby. And yes, you gain something beautiful, something people (and you!) love dearly. But you can find yourself mourning your old life and wondering why you’re not happier (Isn’t this everything I wanted?), and then you start to feel guilty about it all: So many people want what I have, what’s wrong with me for feeling sad? And then you feel bad for not enjoying every second, feel horrible for those complicated feelings that are a mix of gratitude and joy, yes, but also exhaustion and depression. And you feel like you can’t share that with anyone. They won’t understand, you tell yourself. They’ll think I’m a terrible, ungrateful person. And so you struggle in silence.
I hesitated about sharing these feelings publicly. (Hello, internet!) But I think the best way to de-stigmatize depression—any kind of depression—is to talk openly about it. Maybe someone else is out there silently struggling and my confession will make them feel less alone. Maybe someone reading this will one day have a book out and wonder why they feel sad, then remember that Substack post they read years ago about this very thing…
Because it can be deeply comforting to learn you’re not alone when you feel that way.
The other day I visited someone who is struggling with actual postpartum depression and we talked about the importance of taking care of oneself. Focusing on those tangible physical needs like eating, sleeping, drinking water. And then I realized my advice applied to myself too.
Like with postpartum depression, I imagine the sad fog will lessen as time passes. I’m trying to do things that are grounding, that connect me to the me beyond my new author persona. Reading good books, taking lots of walks, singing my favorite songs. I’ve been playing around with coding again. Trying to flex different creative muscles.
I’m really craving less social media. Being on it just adds to the depression. It’s a vicious loop and I need a reset. I’d love to disconnect completely, but that’s probably a terrible strategy right after launching a book. My birthday is coming up, though, and I decided to give myself a present: to disconnect from social media for a week. Maybe two. I have some June events coming up and figure I should stay on social media to help promote those, but after my June 15th event, I’m taking a vacation from being online, aside from email. It’ll be good for me. Maybe help me get some energy back and shake off some of this sad post-pub fog.
If you’ve experienced the post-book blues, I’d love to hear from you!
Reading Recommendations:
Recently read: Jesmyn Ward is one of my favorite writers and I got to see her talk in Madison earlier this month, which was pretty incredible. She’s so insightful and her new essay collection, On Witness and Respair, is a must-read for all my fellow Jesmyn Ward fans out there.
I met the lovely Rajendrani Mukhopadhyay through Get the Word Out last fall, and recently tore through her debut novel, Chitra Demands to Go Home, which I loved. It’s a moving novel about a 75-year-old Bengali woman in an assisted living facility, feeling trapped and wanting desperately to go home. If you’re looking for a beautiful slim novel to read over a weekend, this one is for you!
Currently reading: I love Mac Crane’s writing and was excited to get my hands on an ARC of their forthcoming story collection, Perverts. I’m not far, but already happy to be reading such a solid collection.
Up next: Speaking of my June 15th event, that’s when I’ll be in conversation with Alison Kinney at Pilsen Community Books, about her book, United States of Rejection, which I heard her read from in Baltimore, and oh my goodness I need this book right now. Can’t wait to dive in!
Preorder alert: Another Get the Word Out fellow, Denise Derya Brandt’s debut, Istanbul Dreaming, comes out in September, and you can now preorder what sounds like a gorgeous novel! (I heard her read from it, and it was indeed beautiful.)
And a book to keep on everyone’s radar for fall of 2027: Please join me in congratulating our very own Amy Giacalone on selling her debut novel!
I read an early version many years ago and honestly still think about it. Amy has such a unique and fun voice, and I can’t wait to revisit the novel in its final form. We share an acquisitions editor, the one and only Megan Stielstra, who told me that she’s never seen a writer work as hard as Amy did on this novel, which somehow made me EVEN MORE excited about This May Come Back to Haunt Me.
I’ve been listening to a lot of Otis Redding lately, and this post’s title comes from this song:
Hope you’re hanging in there and taking good care of yourself! <3
The strangest thing for me in the post-book time is how removed I actually feel from the "author persona" (and how much better I feel with that distance). Prior to my book coming out I identified more with the author title, but now that I'm 6 months out, I feel closer to my pre-book deal self. Like the innocence is returning!
Thank you for sharing and being so vulnerable. I hope the social media break helps and the feelings of malaise pass quickly. And thank you so much for the Istanbul Dreaming pre-order shout-out!