If I Could Scream

I usually pick a song after writing a post, but my friend’s son recently released his first single, so I’m tackling this one in reverse. A post with this title could go in a few directions, but the line after is “what I need.” Let’s go there. I’ve been questioning whether the thing I need even exists so screaming seems apt.

I’m talking about balance. Is it possible? Like, really? We’re told it’s totally doable— we can have it all: the perfect job, relationship, health, social life, family, and writing career. But having it all means doing it all. None of these things can happen if we don’t put in an effort, so the underlying message is put in the work for all these things simultaneously, no biggie!

Except that’s impossible. There’s no way to divide our time so every aspect of our life gets equal play. So we decide what’s most important and push what’s not to the backburner. We prioritize or sacrifice. And hopefully we reassess as needed. At one point when I was working on my novel I decided writing was more important than sleep. (1/10–  do not recommend.)

I have a recurring problem with piling on too much. I believe the lies that I can have it all. I pretend there’s nothing wrong with how out of whack everything gets when I try to do more and more. That reminds me of Amy’s excellent post about the false idea of making time. Reminds me that there’s nothing heroic about sacrificing my wellbeing for my art. 

I’ve been wondering if the idea of balance is a myth. We see people seem to be doing it. But we only see what they show us. We don’t see the things they’re dropping— okay, that I’m dropping. I want to look like I have it together. I’ll smile as things fall apart. I’ll keep do do doing, juggling more and more. 

This person is overburdened, burned out, and not managing it well— It’s me, hi! I’m the problem, it’s me.

I recently read Greg McKeown’s Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less, which is about strategizing what’s important and getting rid of anything that’s unnecessary. Maybe that sounds obvious, but the book blew my mind. I needed the reminder that I have finite amounts of attention, time, and energy. And by cutting out what isn’t essential, we can focus on what really matters. Whatever that is for you right now— because it changes, doesn’t it? Our priorities ebb and flow. Maybe writing tops the list right now. Or maybe you need to set that aside so you can focus on something else, even if that’s simply surviving whatever is going on in your life.

Not to recap the book, but one part I found revolutionary was the idea that when we say yes to something, we’re inadvertently saying no to something else. So we need to weigh out what we’re saying no to before saying yes— our yeses should come slowly and our nos quickly. *insert brain exploding emoji*

My yeses tend to come automatically. That’s a mixture of my gross people pleasing tendencies and the fact I like being busy— thrive on it, even. I weirdly enjoy cramming in as much as I can. But my incessant yes yes yessing drove me straight to hot mess express. 

So I’m trying to learn the art of the swift no.

I used to run a co-op out of my house, which was a giant hassle but I liked getting stuff at a discount and didn’t mind doing a bunch of work to help people save money. A few weeks ago someone asked if I’d put in another bulk order and my no came quickly. It felt so selfish! But also liberating. That no saved me at least an hour of sorting, etc. An hour to do something I want to do— or at least would rather do than sit on the floor digging through boxes full of packing peanuts. 

I’ve been quick to say yes to opportunities to tackle book reviews and author interviews because I’m passionate about giving authors their due and I love celebrating work I admire. But it hit me that saying yes so much means less time and energy for my own creative work. So I’m taking a break from book coverage until at least the end of the year— saying no to say yes to my new novel. 

I’m a big proponent in making space in our lives for the things we want. Not time exactly, more like wiggle room. That’s the general idea behind essentialism: creating more space, more freedom to focus on what matters. 

Maybe that’s all balance really is. 

 

Reading Recommendations

I’ve been trying to get to books that have been on my TBR for far too long, and finally picked up Namwali Serpell’s The Furrows. It’s a haunting novel about grief and memory, and I’m still thinking about Serpell’s narrative choices, weeks after finishing it.

I find reading poetry nourishing, so have been trying to make more time for poems, even just one per day. I recently read Sally Wen Mao’s The Kingdom of Surfaces. I don’t know how to talk eloquently about poetry, but this collection is sharp and compelling. 

I’m also trying to read one short story each day and Asali Soloman’s Get Down is truly masterful and got me excited about working in the form again. This is a collection I’ll be revisiting.

Preorder alert: I’m a big fan of Lindsay Hunter’s dynamic writing, and very excited about her new novel Hot Springs Drive, which is out 11/4, and available for preorder!

Here’s the link to the song this post’s title comes from, along with a plea to check out this talented young musician! You can find him on Instagram at @eliparker_music

And his second song dropped yesterday, so consider this a bonus track:

Wishing you a week of swift nos and slow yeses!