Maybe the whole thing was doomed from the start

I’ve been working on a new novel. Not new new, but new as in no one has read a word of it. Pretty sure the inspiration struck the summer of 2022, but I started writing it that fall. The project has been clumsy, very start and stop. But I’m somehow at work on the fourth draft. I’ve always thought after Draft Two is a great time to bring in a reader.  

But I feel protective of this weird, messy thing. My impulse is to hold off for a few more drafts.

Maybe that’s normal for many writers, but I’ve always been quick to share my work. Too quick. Eager to show off what’s working. Look how witty I can be! How smart, how deep. I used to need to hear that stuff because I couldn’t see it for myself. And hearing strengths helped fuel the extensive work to fix the many shortcomings. I couldn’t see those either, so I needed to be told where I could do better. 

But now, all I can see is the novel’s flaws, so showing anyone feels premature—even embarrassing—until I address what I know isn’t working. Except what if it’s the idea itself that’s not, and I’m pouring time and energy into a project that can never work? I’d find out by getting outside feedback, but I’m just not ready.

I had the opportunity to workshop the opening chapter this summer, but chickened out. It’s funny: the longer I go without showing anyone, the scarier doing so feels. Friends have offered to give it a generous read, but I’m hesitant. And I’m scheduled to share the manuscript with my writing group in November, but I want to ask for more time. Can’t I just keep writing it in this safe little vacuum where no one sees its shortcomings but me? Couldn’t I keep it my own, a personal little pet project? 

The longer I go without showing anyone, the more pressure builds. A second draft is supposed to be a mess. A fourth draft should be cleaner. But it’s not. All I can see is how this novel isn’t witty, not smart or deep.

But I’ve convinced myself it can’t be total garbage because I just hit the point where I’m starting to experience what I call the magic of synchronicity. 

Stumbling upon this art installation in Montreal felt very magical

If you’ve worked on a novel, and maybe this is true for any longer project, I hope you know what I’m talking about. How you hear a song that perfectly describes how a character must feel in that scene you can’t seem to get right. Or you’re watching a movie and there’s this line that plucks at a truth you’re trying to hit at. Every book you randomly pick up gives you what you need to keep going. It’s magical, like the universe is conspiring to help me finish this novel.  

That makes me think it’s probably not the idea that’s doomed, even though the initial structure was. (RIP manuscript that was just a long monologue of one-sided therapy sessions.) I like the ‘writing a novel as marathon not a sprint’ metaphor, except as a non-marathon runner I don’t know if that totally fits: what about the other people you need to hit the finish line? I imagine you get to the point of exhaustion where having a few people, even one person, to cheer you on makes it possible to keep going when you feel like quitting.

That’s what early readers do, isn’t it?

If you’re working on a longer project, I’d love to hear when you know it’s time to bring in another set of eyes. Are you able to keep going without hearing what’s working when all you can see is what’s not?

Reading

I’ve been in a reading slump lately, so I’d also love to get reading recommendations from you. Ditto tips on dealing with slumps.

Here are a few books I’m looking forward to checking out soon:

1095 Short Sentences by Donato Loia The second title from B-Side Editions just dropped and it looks like a stunner. Hoping to get to this one soon. 

I rarely allow myself impulse book buys, but when I saw Roxane Gay and Megan Pillow teamed up to create a guide to understanding power and creating change, I couldn’t help myself. Very excited to check out Do The Work. 

I scored an advanced copy of Rumaan Alam’s new novel, Entitlement, on audio, which sounds like a great thing to listen to on my drive to Chicago for Printer’s Row. (See you there?)

This post’s title came from this song, which is a love song (I think?) that weirdly works both about my novel-in-progress and from it.

Whether you’re working on a longer project or not, I’m wishing you a moment of delight and inexplicable magic this week! Keep going. <3