The Idea of Growing Old

I could tell you about magic. I could write about the benefits of night air. I could describe myself as a twelve year old who kept a copy of Emily of New Moon mixed in with my school stuff, so I could read it instead of ever ever finishing my homework. I could tell you about Prince Edward Island, Canada, the place that enchanted my whole childhood and the place I’m heading to in one week by some miracle.

I could explain that one of my absolute best friends, Mary Lee, arranged the entire trip and I’d try to stay away from the words “kindred spirit” but I would absolutely mean “kindred spirit.” I have about a dozen kindred spirits, alive and dead, and one of them sent me a morse code bracelet today for my birthday coming up, and another, who I married, took off work to watch our kids for this trip with Mary Lee. 

I could admit that this is my first time away from my kids in their entire lives and I am so terrified, and so excited. I have no idea what I’ll do with myself. And then I could describe L.M. Montgomery, famous to me for the Emily trilogy but to everyone else for writing Anne of Green Gables, and later in my life, I became obsessed with her journals, which are fabulous. I could brag that I’m going to see her home and woods and museum.

But mostly, I want to tell you that I turn 40 tomorrow, and this trip is to celebrate, and thank god for it and good riddance to my 30’s. Stressful, dog-tired decade. So glad to be done with it. 

Which makes me think of one of my dead kindred spirits: Madeleine L’Engle, and her sense of humor about herself. It isn’t wholly off-topic, because L’Engle grew up loving Emily of New Moon, just like I did, and she also once turned 40. In A Circle of Quiet she tells a story about it: on the day of her fortieth birthday, she got a particularly disappointing rejection, after a decade of rejections, and rashly decided to give up writing. Not too long after, she realized that wasn’t going to happen. She couldn’t give up writing, and wouldn’t. In fact, she didn’t.

She describes one of her little coping mechanisms, during this time, which was a laughing Buddah figurine she kept on her desk during her thirties. Whenever she saw him laugh, she had to laugh at herself too. 

“During those difficult years,” she says, “I was very much aware that if I lost my ability to laugh, I wouldn’t be able to write.” She talks about taking her failure too seriously, her writing– it took away from the work.

I’m in a season where I’m struggling to keep my sense of humor. The trip wasn’t planned to help me lighten up, but it has fallen at just the right time to help me lighten up. Emily Byrd Starr, childhood hero, took her failure as a writer so seriously– but those scenes are always a little funny, because Montgomery knew it too. The impulse to quit. The inner pull to drama. 

I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself lately. In writing definitely, and honestly everything else too. And for my fortieth birthday, I hope I can recapture the proper joy and enthusiasm for my own normal life, and my own normal writing in it. And let go of getting it perfect.

Reading Recommendations:

I’m late to the game, but I was finally able to visit The Understudy, a coffee shop and bookstore that sells only drama. I love reading plays because they move quickly, and they’re structured like houses. I picked up a copy of The Aliens by Annie Baker, which was wonderful, and a real testament to their selection because I haven’t been able to find the copy I bought anywhere else. I’ve linked to a collection that includes it.

I’m several stories into The New Adventures of Helen by Ludmilla Petrusheuskaya, translated from Russian by Jane Bugavega. Kind of like an Aimee Bender/Kelly Link love child, this collection stands out to me because I love translations and because it’s really very funny.

Finishing up the audiobook of Before the Coffee Gets Cold by Toshikazu Kawaguchi. Truly delightful, and exactly how I like my science fiction: depressing, and not too science-y.

I hope you can keep your sense of humor as you go into whatever challenges or celebrations you have coming up this week! <3